Grief…I’d Ask Why, But Who Could Answer?

As anyone would know that has been following, I’ve recently had to bury my brother at the age of thirty-three.  What some of you wouldn’t know though, is that the morning after my last post, my husband’s grandmother also went to heaven.  We knew there was a chance that she wouldn’t last long after Christmas, it was just terrible circumstance that had her passing so close to Greg’s.

Their services were scheduled for the same days, so there was no way for my husband and I to be able to be with each other for either.  It was the toughest trip I’d ever been on.  I ended up taking both our boys, but my husband stayed here for his family.  Not since that brief trip to a paint-ball tournament have we been separate for so long.  Only a few people didn’t know about Grace’s passing, so explaining why he was absent was fairly easy.  He would have stayed either way since we knew she might not have very much time.  She’d just been admitted into hospice care when we found out about my brother, so we knew there was a chance.

That first day was the worst, though.  My mind was scattered, and I’d cried myself into a splitting headache, followed by vomiting.  I’ve never gotten that bad before.  I kept thinking it couldn’t be real, I was going to go to sleep and find out that someone was sick and twisted, but that my brother was still with us.  I kept thinking that I’d never get to make peace with him, to tell him how proud I am of what he’s become, how happy I am that he found the woman he wants to spend his life with, to have children with, and that his happiness made me happy.  I was so glad to see him mellow, to see him find himself.  I looked forward to growing a closer sibling relationship with him, now that we were happily married.  But I never got to.  I never got to tell him all that, or make sure that he knew that I love him so much.  I think what makes me grieve the most though, is that his wife and children had him taken away so soon.  Their newest girl will never really know her father.  His son may barely remember him as he grows up, if he does at all, and his wife, will always have the image of him as she found him that morning.  And it’s these things that make me want to ask “Why?”

Why is it that the man who finds a niche in life, has dedicated himself to being a loving husband and father, is taken away before he can see his children grow up, but a man that molests children is able to get his hands on two generations plus a number of strangers that he “took in” and “helped” and is now growing old in a retirement home?  Why is that how the world works out?

But it isn’t always how it works out, is it?  Grace is a great example of that.  She left this world after eighty-eight years.  From what I was able to see, she was  a great woman, a loving mother, grandmother, and great grandmother.  She raised her children with the same love that they raised their children, and their children are continuing this.  I couldn’t have asked for better in-laws if I’d wanted to.  I’ve gotten to see a family that pulls out all the stops for the one’s they love, that puts family at the highest priority.  I got to see my children grow up with a grandfather that will tease them, tell them to eat bugs, but will also hug them, and teach them how to grow into a good person.  I got to see that little slice of life I’d gotten with Ottis, and it makes me so happy that Grandma Thiemann was a surrogate grandmother for me.  I may have been an adult when I came into the family.  I never felt unwanted by her, she welcomed me with open arms.  There are many children that will remember their great grandmother and take that shining example ageless grace of character and hopefully apply it to their own lives as they grow older.

I will miss them, but though I mourn the tragic loss of my brother, I celebrate the life of grandma Thiemann.  I’ll occasionally ask why they had to go so close to each other, and why he had to be taken just as he was starting to raise a family.  It’s not for any of us to know really, but we’re free to ask anyway.

About Cici Brown
I'm a happily married mother of two and a half. I'm usually pretty bubbly and in some cases, according to my husband, too open about everything. I am and always will be a gamer geek, though I haven't table-top roleplayed for many years. I still manage to hit an MMO or two. My interests include most things geek and Vampire fiction, though not the sparkly kind, that's not vampire fiction. I have goals towards publishing that have yet to be fulfilled but one day...

2 Responses to Grief…I’d Ask Why, But Who Could Answer?

  1. smilecalm says:

    Wishing your strength and support. May they live on in your kindness towards yourself and others.

  2. dogfordavid says:


    Beautifuly written

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